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Nothing is better than perfect happiness. A ham sandwich is better than perfect happiness.
Time: 8:44 PM Eastern Daylight Time
Josh Konnely is wandering the sandy shores that on 6 June 1944 saw the invasion by Allied forces that would ultimately liberate France from the control of Nazi Germany. Josh is carrying an old fashioned metal lunchbox with a Captain America design. Konnely is dressed in a solid red t-shirt and navy sweatpants. He is joined there by ring announcer Robyn Byrne, who is (as always) carrying a microphone. They walk the beach together as they speak.
"Josh, Josh, I'm so glad I finally caught up with you. You aren't an easy man to find. Why Normandy?"
"I know what you're thinking. Omaha Beach is an old battleground, a sad and solemn place. So why would I come here while Strike Towers prepares for Titans in Paris?
The short answer would be that I am a sad and solemn person. This hallowed ground better suits my idiom than could the jollity and romanticism of the City of Love. It is Thursday here in France, and tonight I have a match with Anonymia there in the City of Love. Ironic, don't you think, Robyn? Two men who know nothing of love, Anonymia and myself, doing battle in a city known for nothing but romance and light.
Anonymia and I are creatures of the darkness set to face off in the City of Light. Or rather, I was a creature of darkness. At times I can feel myself being pulled back in. I assaulted Johnny Legend for DI killing Revelation, but I am glad Revelation is dead. So why did I act in such rage and hate?
The darkness creeps in and out of my mind. It hangs over my head, calling me back into its grip."
"I'm sorry to interrupt, Josh, but... what's with the lunchbox?"
Josh stops and looks at the lunchbox in his hand.
"Oh, I was just about to get to that. I have found the key to my happiness."
Konnely opens the lunchbox and pulls out a sandwich bag with a sandwich inside (naturally). Josh takes the sandwich out and bites into it. He begins walking again, with Robyn Byrne following alongside.
"The key to your happiness is... dinner?"
"No, Robyn. It breaks down like this.
A ham sandwich is better than nothing.
So if I have a ham sandwich, I must be perfectly happy. More than perfectly happy, even."
"But Josh, that... that doesn't make any sense."
"See, it's people like you that destroy everyone's happiness."
There is an awkard silence for a few seconds.
"I'm messing with you, Robyn! It's a joke! I know that a ham sandwich can't make anyone perfectly happy! Come on! I mean, this doesn't even have cheese or mayo on it. Just ham on white. So Robyn, let me ask you this. Do you believe in the Big Bang?"
"Big Bang?"
"Yeah, that the universe was created by a Big Bang? 'In the beginning there was nothing, and then nothing exploded.' That kind of thing."
"I never really gave it much thought..."
"I can see that by the fact that your head hasn't exploded. The whole idea revolves around a belief that we exist in between an infinite loop of universes exploding and forming and exploding again. Just one universe after another spontaneously ending and blowing up. 'It's turtles all the way down.' Universe after universe just exploding every few trillion years, simultaneously destroying the previous one and giving birth to the new.
Am I the only one who finds humor in this logic? These people swear up, down, and sideways that they are smarter than you and I. But when called on it, they simply fall back on an archaic and baseless argument.
So how is their assessment more likely to be correct than that of those who believe in God? Their beliefs are just as baseless and empty as ours."
"I don't mean to be rude, but is there a point to all this? My head hurts."
"AH, YES. The POINT. Let's get right to THE POINT, shall we? What both sides amount to is humankind attempting to explain that which we cannot explain. If something is unexplainable, mankind in our nature desires- and even demands- that we explain it. Of course, UNEXPLAINABLE by definition means that we CANNOT EXPLAIN. And so we become like dogs, eternally chasing our own tails, spinning around in circles.
Mankind has always felt a need to explain and understand the unknown, Robyn. That is my point.
Unknown, as in Anonymia. The Latin word 'anonymia' comes from the Greek 'anonumia.' Both of these give roots to the Italian word "anonimia.' In English, we have the word 'anonymity.' I believe I've mentioned this all before when I faced the masked monster known as Anonymia. Pardon the paradox. Known as unknown. That is an oxymoron. How can one be known as unknown?
Anyway, I'm starting to give myself a headache as well."
Josh takes another bite of his sandwich and smiles.
"Ahhhh.....
So Anonymia talked about being resentful. Trust me, I know the feeling. But he says that he is resentful of having to face 'people like me.' Anonymia follows that up by saying 'no offense.' But how can I not be offended?
Anonymia, you are resentful of facing 'people like' what, exactly? I am a former World Champion, National Champion, and Tag Team Champion- undefeated as the latter, before the implosion of Revelation. You are resentful of facing the best in the world? Who exactly would you rather be facing? The Gobbledy Gooker, maybe? Because that could be arranged. If you're feeling chicken.
But if you're feeling froggy, you'll show up and fight me like a man. And maybe, just maybe, along the journey you will open your eyes just in time to see the White Light as you slip away into Paradise.
Anonymia, the Park City Prophet has spoken. In the end, the first shall be last. In the end, the slave shall become the master. In the end, the unknown will become known. Requiescat In Pace, lost Son of God."
The scene fades to PERFECT LIGHT.
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